On Eagles Wings

Laying in the hospital bed, the words of my doctor kept echoing in my ears, “Another baby is possible but you need to hurry.” Awaiting surgery, for yet the second time in one year, it now had the potential to threaten our dream of another child completely with the complications that were arising. I began to pray while I lie there. “Lord, I am so thankful for the little Jewel you have blessed us with. She lights up our world more than we could have ever imagined. Our lives are complete if nothing is ever added.”

Somehow, we think forward advancement comes without any toil, or at least I did. I love the movie Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken. it is about a girl named, Sonora, who wants to dive horses but she has no experience nor can she make a moving mount. A moving mount is the ability to mount a horse while the horse is in motion. When her opportunity finally comes to practice making a moving mount, she has a nasty fall. The trainer looks down at her, offering no support whatsoever to her injuries. He simply asks her, “Are you going to cry? You going to cry?” Sonora slowly gathers herself off the ground and shakes her hair off the blood that is pouring from her nose. She looks at the old man and says, “I never cry.” She eventually makes the moving mount and goes on to dive horses even after becoming blind. It is an amazing story. Her determination ran deeper than her tears.

I often played that scene over in my mind during my recovery. Knowing, it was going to take more than tears to get me through.

Time went by, and I was healing with each passing day. While out for a walk one morning, I looked up into a crystal blue sky, painted with lazy white cloud pillows floating by. To my amazement, I saw an eagle form in one of them. Just staring at it, I heard the Lord speak to my heart, “Eagles were made to soar.” Little did I know how much I was going to need to remember that.

With the love that February brings, I found myself carrying our own little love. I was beaming with excitement! It quickly became hard to keep my growing belly a secret.

Then, on the heels of all the excitement, the unthinkable happened. I had awakened early that morning, going about my normal morning routine, when all of the sudden severe pain set in. By the time we made it to the doctor’s office there was no heartbeat to be heard and all visible signs of our little Valentine were gone. It was raining as we left the doctor’s office; a sure sign to the Howard’s that God was present.

Candied hearts, chocolates, and red roses could not heal my broken heart. Although miscarriages can be quite common, to the expecting mother, it doesn’t feel common at all. In his gentle way, my father called and shared with me how the Lord had spared me great pain. I knew he was right.

On our way back home, we stopped to gather Eva up from her preschool, Chuck then made an unexpected stop at a nearby nail salon. He walked all three of us inside and signed us up for pedicures. There was nothing more heroic for me that day than watching my husband, join his girls for a pedicure. He not only captured my heart again, but everyone’s in the salon.

I returned to work as soon as I could. Normal routine has a way of helping to mend one’s heart. I dropped Eva off that morning per our normal routine and then, all was quiet. I began to cry. Calling my mother for reassurance and guidance, I began to tell her about this baby never getting to know our family or how wonderful laughter is. I told her how the baby never got to feel my arms hold him/her close while I sang a lullaby. I explained that the baby never got to catch his first fish or have her first tea party. This precious little one never got to know all the wonderful things life has to offer. My Mom, being very tenderhearted, just cried with me for a minute and then softly said, “Sis. We will just let the Great Teacher teach the baby all those things.” That was like a healing balm to a broken spirit. I knew such peace from that moment on. I know, one day, I will meet this little one, but for now, I have a job to do. My family is counting on me. I must be present, not living in the loss, but living for the beautiful gift which is today.

I got out of the car, after my mother’s words to me, and I never looked back. I chose freedom in that moment. God purchased it for me when he nailed my grief to the cross. Any tears I had from that day forward were tears of joy, knowing I never really lost.

It wasn’t until Sonora got up from the ground that she began to hear the horse’s rhythm. A moving mount cannot be made from the dirt. We will never soar weighted in grief. We are here to live “salty”, in order to flavor everyone we come in contact with.

Just when I thought our story was over, God had other plans, but as Paul Harvey used to say, “Stay tuned to hear – the rest of the story!”

Welcome Home

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

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