I was talking to my sister one day when mentioning that I had a fully functioning household schedule. I just forgot to tell the people living in the household. I went on to say to her that one day I was going to pencil in hair and makeup for myself. She laughed and said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just slap a hat and some mascara on, and feed them sometimes, Kris.” That was her way of saying, “Handle what you can and don’t worry about the rest.”
As you have come to know, life has a way of dropping hysterics in my lap. I am ok with that because I love to laugh. Oddly enough, it becomes hilarious when I am re-telling the story, not during the actual circumstance. During the episode, I am just trying to make it through, but afterward, I usually find laughter, and so does everyone else.
I asked my dad once if I was the only person that real-life comedy happened? He said, “No, it happens to everyone. Trouble is most people can’t see it.”
I hope you can see the comedy in the short stories I am going to share. Grab yourself a cup of tea and a seat on your front porch because I have humor awaiting in the lines below…
What is that smell?! Then I heard the second explosion from Charlotte’s diaper. Trapped in a moving carpool line, I nodded to myself and said, “Well, this is just perfect.” When Eva got into the car, she immediately hung her head out the window while I tried to find a spot in her school parking lot to pull over. I caught sight of open space, quite a long open space. I had no idea why it was so long, but I was glad to see its salvation! I whipped the car in quickly.
Getting Charlotte out of her car seat was like unwrapping a melted chocolate Hershey bar. I had to strip her down in sections. Eva was laughing uncontrollably. It was then that the reason for the long parking spot met me. Holding a naked baby covered in, well, you know, a large yellow school bus came screeching up behind my vehicle, demanding my immediate departure. The driver threw up her hands as if to say, “Why are you here!” Frantic written all over my face. I wanted to crawl under the car! My eyes searched for relief but only landed on a naked baby Charlotte smiling at me. The only solution was to hold a mid-changed Charlotte in my lap along with the garbage sack and inch my way forward; out of this bus driver’s way. With cars slowly driving past to catch a glimpse of this scene, Eva pipes up between giggles to say, “I can’t wait to tell Daddy!” I quickly voiced, “Eva, Daddy does not need to know everything.” I could hear my sister’s words reverberating off the windows, “Feed them sometimes, Kris, feed them sometimes.”
Chuck and I thought it would be in our best interest to purchase two puppies with an infant and five-year-old (you can laugh now.) Our newest additions are named Lola and Penny. Penny is a Golden Retriever, and Lola is a German Shepherd. Eva was happy because now the boys each have their princess.
It was Lola’s first night; Penny was scheduled to arrive two days later. Since Lola was all alone, we let her sleep in the house in her crate. The night was a long one. Between Lola howling, Charlotte needing a bottle, and Eva running down the hallway to our bedroom, no one got any sleep.
The following day, I had just gotten things halfway together, Eva was at school, and Charlotte was in my arms, ready for a bottle. That’s when I saw the calling cards Lola had left me. I sighed a heavy sigh, grabbed the paper towels, and headed for the job. Of course, Charlotte decided her tummy could no longer wait, and the crying commenced. Before I could move either direction, Lola slipped and rolled all in the fresh stack of cards. The smell was horrendous. I had no choice but to walk away and feed Charlotte, leaving the mess for later. Once I finished feeding Charlotte, I headed to clean up the disaster. I had a plastic bag which I used to dispose of all the soiled paper towels. What I didn’t realize was the hole in the bottom of the bag. That was a low point for me. Charlotte was making spit bubbles, Lola was howling outside, and I was covered in goop. My sister’s words met me again, “Feed them sometimes.”
It was a race against the clock! I knew I could do it, and we did! I got everyone loaded, and off to school, we went. Eva and I were chatting about the day, and I didn’t notice how quickly I approached her school and the 15 MPH zone. I told her we needed to pray for the day; therefore, I started in. “Dear Lord. I thank you for this day and all your goodness to us.” Eva interrupted, “Uh, Mommy, what are those blue lights?” “Oh, dear.” “Well, love, that is a Police Officer coming to teach mommy a lesson.” My prayer drastically changed to, “Lord, please don’t let him give me a ticket!” The Police car kindly pulled me over right in front of the carpool line; talk about humbling. He asked me where I was going in such a hurry. I had so many one-liners ready, but I didn’t know how he would take a joke this early in the morning, so I settled with a simple, “I’m sorry I was not paying attention to my speed, Officer.” He smiled and kindly let me go with a warning.
As we pulled off, I let out a massive sigh of relief. Eva had said nothing up until this point. Suddenly she says, “He was such a nice man, Mommy.” I laughed at her innocence to the whole ordeal. I followed it with a brief lesson on the importance of Police Officers and their benefits. Even if I didn’t get a ticket, I deserved it. She seemed to understand. Then I let her know she could get out of her seat belt and crawl up next to me before getting out of the car for school. She firmly stated, “NO WAY! I don’t want those blue lights to come to get me!” and there it was, “Feed them sometimes.”
It might be a “Feed them sometimes” kind of day for you but “Love them always.”
Welcome Home
“Pleasant words are as honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24
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